Email exchanges from work:

The Secret:
Me: Should I be surprised that Pam and Andrew are buddies?
Steve: That's not surprising. I'm divided on who would come out on top if they both took an IQ test. I think it would be neck and neck.
Me: Do you think she could pass the police officer's test?
Steve: No. By no means. Maybe if they could combine together into one superperson, they might have a shot.
Me: Wow. How do you know she's stupid? I've never even spoken to her.
Steve: Do you remember that idiotic self-help book that was popular last year...I think it was called The Secret? It basically said that people are poor because they don't want to be rich, and if they wanted to become rich, they only had to think it. I once had to listen to this conversation in which Pam described how the book was changing her life and that she was going to be a completely different person.
But I guess the joke is on me. She didn't want to be an assistant her whole life, and now she's an assistant with a desk by the "Executive Entrance." The Secret has made that dream come true.
Me: Oh, I did hear about that book. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Sure believing you can acheive goals helps...but then you have to get off your can and acquire the skills and find the opportunities to make it happen.
She's on her way Steve. She's just thinking those millions into fruition.
Steve: She might want to think herself a little younger while she's at it. She's somewhere in her mid-to-late 40s, which surprised me. I thought she looked younger. I've heard her talk about how she wants to be an Account Manager, but she never makes the switch when the jobs open. She also has used her position as Robin's assistant to go from cube to cube, soliciting donations for charities, which bugged me.
Me: Donations for what?
Steve: One was for a cancer charity and I forget what the other one was. I'm not against charities, but I am strongly against the direct solicitations at our desks. A couple of people felt bullied into giving money.
Me: I never feel bullied into giving people money, I just tell them no. I don't really care if they think I'm a self-centered tightwad.
Steve: Yeah, I was perfectly comfortable telling her no.
So I guess the point of this whole thing, before I pile too much on her and feel like a complete jerk, is that I'm not her biggest fan.

Bear traps:
Me: I guess I could too, because I also have savings, but I always feel like I'm stealing from myself when I start to use that money.
Steve: I have different levels of savings. Some are accessible, while others are off limits.
What the? Pam better not cross over through our section like that very often!
Me: Maybe we could stick some cardboard boxes out there in the aisle to discourage that kind of thing.
Steve: Or bear traps.
Me: Yeah, either way...whatever works, right?
Steve: Plus, if I was unemployed, I'd totally be like that guy in the sweatsuit, doing arm exercises at the stoplight. That would be sweet.

Goldfish:
Me: okay...that was creepy. I came back to my desk from the break room, and Andrew was craning over the cubicle wall watching me walk all the way past his cube into mine and I could see him in peripherals watching me sit down.
Steve: He's watched me before. It is very creepy. When he did it to me, I made eye contact with him, just so he knew that I saw him.
In-n-Out would be good today.
Me: Did that seem to put a stop to his staring?
In-N-Out works for me.
Steve: He's the one that broke eye contact. So it seemed like my point was made, but I can't be certain. He probably has one of those goldfish memories that constantly resets.

The Shallow end:
Me: Is Pam married?
Steve: Yep. Married with kid(s).
Me: I know this is not a nice thing to say, but it kind of makes me wonder what my problem is.
Steve: You mean why you aren't married? I think there's one very generic reason for the difference. The smarter a person is, the harder it is to find a good match. You're working with the shallow end of the gene pool. I'm pretty sure Pam was flailing around in the deep end.